When we last left America’s Next Top Model, the girls were packed off to Sydney, Australia because, according to Tyra, it was “up and coming� in the fashion world.

Unfortunately, the potential Top Models were fading fast:

Jael dressed like a male figure skater; Brittany decided that because she was hit by a car ten years ago, she can’t film a Cover Girl commercial; the evil Renée was so jet lagged, she couldn’t think of a single nasty thing to say.

Dumbfounded, we turned to Brooke Miller – the wide-eyed ingénue of Top Model’s last season, pictured at right – to explain the show’s mysteries.

For instance: Why is Tyra dressed like a pirate?

Okay Brooke, why was Tyra dressed like a pirate? We’ll get to that… Can we talk about Jael getting kicked off? Finally? Can I just point out the irony that Sanjaya was kicked off American Idol at the same time?

Guess Wikipedia was wrong – they said Jael was the runner up. They were wrong about our season, too. You can’t trust it.

You really didn’t like Jael. It was her antics. Like in this episode, oh my gosh, the cracked-out outfit. Why would you wear a neon green spandex skirt? And she wouldn’t stop talking about petting the Australian squirrels and being one with the animals. I was like, you’re crazy. I honestly wonder if that’s how she is normally, or if she’s on something.

Conspiracy time: how could you smuggle drugs onto Top Model? I don’t think there’s any way you could, you’re always being watched. I mean, if we weren’t allowed to have cell phones, we definitely couldn’t have drugs. I don’t know, maybe she’s inhaling the hairspray or licking the Cover Girl stuff, but something is wrong with that girl.

I think the script was even more wrong – How can they go to Australia and not mention Gemma, Elle Macpherson, Sass and Bide… Agreed. I had never heard of Erica, the Australia’s Next Top Model host that she brought out. Never!

Truthfully, this episode was pretty boring… I’m getting to the point where Top Model is definitely getting played out. There’s such a prescribed formula – there’s the girls, the plot lines, and at this point it’s like…

What else happens on every season, that hasn’t happened yet? Oh, that’s a good game… um… we need someone to go to the hospital for dehydration and exhaustion… Jael’s friend already died – someone’s friend has to die every season… Someone has to cheat on their boyfriend with a male model! Maybe Renée will cheat on her husband? You know, maybe so…

They must send a producer to kill one friend per season…: Seriously! No, but the applications that you fill out to be on the show are so intense, they know every little detail. So they must know everything that’s ever happened to you and they pick people who would have those situations in their life – sick friends or lots of drugs, troubled families… they know everything.

Oh, and someone has to talk back to one of the judges. Why doesn’t anyone tell Tyra she looks like a pirate?!
Can you imagine? My favorite part of the international episodes is when Tyra claims that whatever random country they’re in is the hottest thing, and the fashion industry in Australia is really starting to bud! And now we’re here to kick it off with a bang!

Was Tyra a good mentor for the cast members? I think Tyra is amazing, but I found her to be a little hypocritical with some of the other cast members. She would tell some of the girls – the ones from the South or from the inner city – “don’t be so ghetto when you speak,� but then when she was talking with them, she would say things like, “Oh yeah girl, I gotchu!� And I felt like that was a contradiction sometimes.

If Top Model were a casino game, which three girls get your bets? Same as every week: Renée, Brittany, and Dionne. I think Jaslene’s the dark horse though. But as much as I love Natasha, I can’t see her winning.

Okay, now can we talk about why Tyra looks like a pirate? Well, what’s the deal with the bandana headband every week?!

I thought it was her trying to be Galliano. Too highbrow? Perhaps. Her weave probably has a lot to do with it. I think the weave in general is an attempt to cover up her arms because people think they’re huge. I mean, I don’t! But all the internet bloggers trash Tyra’s arms, and always talk about how fat they are! I’m like, are you covering your arms with a weave now?

Tyra cares what Perez Hilton says about her arms? I think so! Tyra reads blogs! Tyra totally Googles herself. I think Tyra’s got a Google alert on herself! Come on!