posted by Donna Kay

Jul 23, 2007 4:10PM

I suppose it can hurt when he doesn't get it exactly right, but I suspect most girls can avoid ring horror with a bit of communication. That said...

My bf isn't the most stylish guy but manages to make smart jewelry purchases most of the time. Some are misses, but I appreciate the sentiment none the less.

As for engagement rings, I've declared my disdain for big diamonds enough to bore myself, remarking instead on a friend's recent engagement which included a proposal ring. They choose the ring you'll wear on your right hand and you both choose your engagement ring - just leave out the diamonds!

BTW: I've been obsessed with Vera Wang's candy rings for a while.

http://www.calvinsjewelry.com/ShowProducts.aspx?cat=79&prodid=3171

posted by OutFitKit

Jul 23, 2007 4:20PM

Sometimes, I think women expect a little too much out of men. We expect them to intuitively "understand" or "get" are wants and needs.

Case in point, my husband proposed to me with a coconut wood ring. It was not exactly the type of ring I would have had in mind - you should of seen it. However, the story and thought behind the ring was really what counted. He knew that I did not want a diamond ring and that I really wanted my grandmother's ring. Without, going into a huge story this was the first ring he came across within minutes of deciding he was going to ask me to marry him. He proposed a few days later and then we were married a couple of weeks later.

The point being is that he does not always get my exact aesthetic tastes. He is generally in the right direction and there is usually some thought behind it even if I can't figure out the train of thought.

I think it is better to try and understand where they are coming from than just automatically blowing them off because they don't understand your tastes.

Of course, this is also the man who gave me a plastic, lotus flower that lit up and changed colors so I could just be a glutton for punishment.

posted by kenbot

Jul 23, 2007 4:32PM

I think you're setting yourself up for heaps of problems down the road if you expect your partner to intuit your every desire. Men can't read minds.

I'm not trying to be overly harsh here, but I seriously question the maturity level of anyone who thinks that a man's ability to choose an engagement ring translates into his suitability as a husband.

posted by Jordan

Jul 23, 2007 4:33PM

Duh, that's why girls have gay best friends. Make it clear to him girls that we pick out the rings because we'll do a good job. You'd rather marry us anyways.

posted by katie

Jul 23, 2007 4:34PM

I don't know...I'm pretty feminist, and I find something vaguely insulting about the whole engagement ring thing. The idea that my boyfriend (who is grotesquely wealthy) needs to mark his territory and prove that he can support me by spending 3-ish months' salary on a ring for me, when he himself will not wear anything designating his non-single status, really annoys me. If a strong woman considers her man her equal, how can she accept a traditional ring?

That said, OH MY GOD, those Vera Wang candy rings are just too lovely for words.

posted by rachel

Jul 23, 2007 4:39PM

it just dawned on me that your posts are very sex and the city-they tend to end with a question, like how carrie would at her typewriter at each episode's close........

posted by ashleydc

Jul 23, 2007 5:00PM

As much as my husband understood my style before he proposed, he still consulted my sister to make sure he was right in picking a very non-traditional engagement ring that I couldn't love more.

posted by Magda

Jul 23, 2007 5:06PM

Ah, thank you, Katie. Once I found out that diamond engagement ring tradition originated as a way for a man to show the world how he can take take care of his little lady, I started to feel a little queasy about the whole thing.

The way women compete by flashing their diamonds is also kind of stupid.

And I guess I don't want any Africans to die.

posted by guest

Jul 23, 2007 5:08PM

i dunno, i was raised to be grateful for everything and not to expect anything from anyone. if a man spends money on something for me that i don't even need, i wont be picky.

posted by Ashley

Jul 23, 2007 5:26PM

"I couldn't help but wonder"... why even consider the traditional practice of marriage (not to mention having your man "support" you) if a traditional engagement ring appalls you so? If a woman really considers her man her equal, shouldn't she be able to enjoy a beautiful tradition without feeling insecure or inferior about it? It's a similar case to the women who yell at men for holding doors open for them- it doesn't mean he thinks you're too weak to do it, it means he has good manners. This kind of argument baffles me. I thought we'd come beyond this, and it seems rather counter-feminist to me. I'd rather know that I'm equal, and still be treated like a lady. Too much to ask?

posted by Magda

Jul 23, 2007 5:41PM

Ashley, you can be "appalled" by the engagement ring tradition but still believe in commitment and want something to symbolize it. What disturbs me is that society wants/needs that symbol to be worth several thousand dollars. No matter how much money my beau makes, I'd rather have him spend on something more worthwhile. (Honeymoon/vacation in Fiji, anyone?)

posted by h

Jul 23, 2007 5:58PM

I don't have experience with wedding rings, but I can contribute to the differences in taste argument. The couple of times I have asked my b-f to surprise me with my b-day/xmas gifts (we were getting into a bad book rut) the clothes or jewelry that he has gotten me were nice, although probably not what I would pick for myself. Sure, I was a little disappointed that it wasn't exactly perfect, but it's stupid to think that it would be. He isn't so hot at picking out flower arrangements either, it's the thought that I love. Of course, it's hard for me to reciprocate with clothes for him since he's 6'5" and skinny as a rail. Boxers and scarves are the only things that are safe.

posted by katie

Jul 23, 2007 6:21PM

Ashley:

I have a problem with the mindset a lot of women have these days with regards to feminism: they want to be equal in every way, but they also want the man to pay for all their dates, buy obscenely expensive jewelry, and support them once they're married. I have no problem with women who choose to play the traditional female roles of housewife or damsel in distress (One of my grandmothers is a judge and the other a housewife, and I respect them equally), but my personal choices--as, yes, a feminist--lean toward a mutual respect and support, without enormous expectations placed on the man.

Why not do an exchange of engagement rings?

posted by Ashley

Jul 23, 2007 6:40PM

katie, I respect your opinion on this, but I don't feel that wearing an engagement ring -even if the man isn't wearing one- makes a woman inferior or less of a feminist. I guess I'm lucky not to know many women like the ones you've described, but I know a whole lot of women who are financially independent, split their finances, have no "obscenely expensive" jewelry which they did not buy themselves, and still accept an engagement ring (oh, and usually the guy even asks her parents first out of courteousy). I am comfortable in my equality, and I don't need cultural traditions that are not psychologically or physically harmful to change to feel like I am on even footing with a man.

So why not do an exchange of engagement rings? Or why not accept his grandmothers, or a big rock from Tiffany's? As long as you view it as a symbol of love and commitment, and not a shackle of some sort, I think go for it!

posted by Summer

Jul 23, 2007 6:48PM

My husband bought me a diamond and tied it around the neck of a (highly collectable, highly coveted) Barbie doll when he proposed to me. We picked out the setting together.

My best friend's husband took me along to pick out her ring.

Dunno what I'd do if I got an ugly ring...

posted by fleur de lys

Jul 23, 2007 7:06PM

I know my boyfriend has said that he'd want to consult me or someone who knows my taste before picking one out ... it's a piece of jewelry that you're going to wear every day for (hopefully) the rest of your life, so I think it's best that you like it.

That said, as far as a guy understanding my 'style' to be my soulmate, I don't expect my "soulmate" to understand my style fashion-wise, but I expect him to have an idea of my attitude towards life in general. I'd be much more put off by a really public proposal (not my thing at all) than by a ring that wasn't to my taste.

posted by katie

Jul 23, 2007 7:16PM

Ashley:

I didn't mean to come across as offensive.

I live in Los Angeles and my beau is a television producer (and I'm from a tiny town in Georgia), so my view is admittedly skewed; most of the women I know are "wives of," and that is just not something that appeals to me as a young woman.

These are things every woman needs to decide for herself. I'm not passing judgement on women who accept large engagement rings; I just don't, personally, feel that this particular tradition fits into my idea of what it means to be a strong woman on equal footing with her husband.

And, to answer an earlier question, I think that marriage is important because of things like insurance and owning property...not to mention that if and when a couple decides to have kids, it's nice to have something of a contract between the partners. And yes, I feel a bit weird about getting married while gays aren't allowed to, but I'm not there yet, so it's not a decision I have to make.

posted by jac

Jul 23, 2007 7:20PM

The engagement ring wouldn't be the sticky point that I'd argue in regards to feminism. Wearing a ring b/c a man gives it to you to profess his love anddesire to marry you doesn't diminish your equality. I just follow this with a statement sure to elicit cries from everyone on the board, soI'll save it for feministing =). But you can wear the ring and still have your values. It's just a shame some women get the ring and forget all that they've worked for.

posted by Bonnie Lass

Jul 23, 2007 7:24PM

Feminism and femininity are incompatible. Discuss.

===

I think this was the episode where I really started to hate SJPs character. If an engagement ring means more to you than the person you're dating, then you deserve to be single.

I know that's harsh, but how petty can you be? What if your guy can't afford something you'd find stylish?

Everyone wants to claim be a feminist while wearing their Louboutins and finding their soul mate -- so long as their soul mate can afford to keep them.

(I'm just a jaded dyke, so you'll have to forgive me. Trust me, our game's just as -- if not more so -- hypocritical as yours. Just my two.)

posted by aruek

Jul 23, 2007 7:37PM

My boyfriend has a "man-gagement" ring that matches my engagement ring. We designed them together after deciding that since we were both getting engaged, it made sense for us both to have rings. We also went for sapphires instead of diamonds.

posted by brendastarlet

Jul 23, 2007 8:07PM

If the ring wasn't lovely, a la Carrie's ring, I hope my reaction would be a little more tactful. And if I really couldn't live with it, I would gently work on the guy to convince him to go look at rings again with me.

But I agree with other posters that big rings (three carats and above) are ostentatious, and at that size, it's no longer an expression of love, it's a statement of means.

posted by HeatherChandler

Jul 23, 2007 9:27PM

When my husband proposed it was the wrong ring, and I mean that in the nicest way possible. He picked it out with my (disgruntled) best friend. It was something that she knew I would never ever wear. He proposed, I said yes. Then about one hour later he asked if the ring was to my liking. I had to say, "Oh, we'll just talk about that tomorrow." Well we talked about, it was a HUGE fight. Once we got back to the City it was returned for something we both agreed upon.

I never expected him to get the ring I wanted. I relied on a friend, who in the end is a friend no longer.

posted by Kristen

Jul 24, 2007 12:03AM

I agree with Jen. I know guys aren't always good at noticing the details, but if he's going to make a big purchase like an engagement ring, it's only smart to do some research and try to choose something that seems like her style. And I'm sure this will sound shallow, but oh well: if he's not going to make an effort to pick something you'd like for a piece of jewelry he wants you to wear FOREVER, I'd be concerned about the amount of effort he'll put into other aspects of your life together. But giving a setting or a diamond for the details to be worked out together seems like a nice compromise and solution to the issue.

posted by London Girl

Jul 24, 2007 5:15AM

My ex husband gave me the most hideous ring I'd ever seen, a turquoise surrounded by diamonds. It looked like something out of a cracker jack box, but it was a family ring. However, I loved him, gamely wore it about twice, then put it away on the excuse that I don't like wearing rings (which is true).

However the lack of communication/interest in my opinion and happiness shown in the way he simply issued me a ring (without even thinking to allow me to choose amongst the several family rings he had) was a sign of things to come. Three years later, we were no more.

My current beau, a stone cold broke musician and actor, knows that I hate wearing rings and think that they're a pointless waste of his money. I don't need to flash in other people's faces just how many carats he loves me.

If we go the next step, we're going to get matching bracelets or something. Much easier to wear when carrying equipment onto a film set (me) or playing guitar (him), keeps the spirit of the symbol but without the odiousness of the money-spending.

posted by brendastarlet

Jul 24, 2007 8:16AM

Actually, my mother has a ring like that -- there was an era when a big blob of something with diamond surrounds was as glitzy as you could get (think Princess Diana's engagement ring.)

I've always thought plain wedding rings, whether gold, silver, or platinum, say enough. I wear a signet ring on my right hand that I got at graduation, and that's it.

posted by Hoyaheel

Jul 24, 2007 8:42AM

I think a guy has to try to find something that fits you. He might not get it right, but he should put some effort into it. My husband found a vintage sapphire in a platinum setting at an estate sale, had it sized, it was (still is) perfect for me (and a complete surprise). He knows I don't like diamonds and do like platinum & vintage jewelry--didn't take a lot of digging for him to discover those things about my "style" and he worked with what he knew....

posted by Simone

Jul 24, 2007 9:50AM

I like my engagement ring, even though it isn't necessarily the one that I would've picked for myself. It's classic, though, and it means so much to me that my husband gave it to me with love.

posted by leia

Jul 24, 2007 10:32AM

London Girl: I love the comment about "how many carats he loves me"..... that is exactly how I feel about engagement rings. I would much rather have a simple band.........
And how chic would matching Cartier Love bracelets be instead of rings????!!

posted by heyheyhey

Jul 24, 2007 12:46PM

i found my engagement ring on the ground pre engagement and decided to wear as my engagement ring and now my wedding band. its totally my style! my fiance spent absolutely nothing and thats why we can travel instead...money well spent!

posted by heyheyhey

Jul 24, 2007 12:46PM

and it has no diamonds. its just a silver band

posted by h

Jul 24, 2007 1:00PM

I think that the actual wedding band (or bracelet, tattoo, necklace, whatever) is more important than the engagement ring. My mother wears her mother's engagement band, because it's special to her. My parents designed rings together for the wedding bands that are unique and still classic (a stylized sun with two stars). When my mom lost her wedding band in the ocean, my dad stopped wearing his in solidarity. When they had their tenth anniversary he had a new band made for my mom of the original design and had his re-sized. To me, that's the perfect example of knowing what a person wants. It shouldn't be the object, it's the gesture and the bond between the two people. If the look of the engagement ring (or more to the point the stone) is that important, than maybe the relationship isn't that important.