In today’s Times Style section, there is a piece titled “Dress Codes in New York Clubs: Will This Get Me In?” The author attempts to reveal the sartorial secrets for getting in to New York City’s most exclusive nightclubs. Apparently, to get into all the hip NYC spots like The Mulberry Project and Provacateur, all you have to do is wear tight jeans, 5-inch heels and forgo stripes.

Here are the most hilarious quotes author and his interviewees’ (NYC club owners) advice for what will “get you in”:

“The ideal Provocateur guest ‘doesn’t have to wear crazy stripes on his shirt to draw attention to himself.’”

Apparently, bouncers are looking to see what color the soles of your shoes are:
“’Minimum five-inch heel,’ he said. ‘Christians are our favorite,’ he added, referring not to the faithful but to Christian Louboutin, the designer known for his red soles. Jimmy Choo and Christian Dior are also welcome.”

Even hipsters, it seems, are excluded from the uber-exclusive and trendy New York City “brunch parties.” Yes, there are brunch parties with dress codes and flannels and shorts are not allowed:
“‘You get guys in from L.A., they think a brunch is a brunch,’ Mr. Koch said. ‘We have to say, ‘Look, dude, this isn’t what you think it is.’ You can’t rock a T-shirt here unless you’re a rock star.’”

“Ladies should consider brightly colored dresses or skirts and avoid cleavage-baring blouses. ‘You don’t want that in your face at brunch,’ said Mr. Koch, who now holds his brunch at different locations each week, including the Hamptons and St.-Tropez. Guys ‘need an edge; wear a bow tie or, if you have to, go out and buy a $400 pair of sunglasses.’”

“New Yorkers fleeing the city in summer may think they’ve earned a vacation from judgment, but they’re wrong — particularly at South Pointe, a hot new dance club in Southampton, N.Y. ”

Towards the end, the article becomes a tad less ridiculous and presents a slightly more reasonable argument:

“Lauren Cosenza, a makeup artist who lives in NoLIta, said she has learned to dress for the neighborhood, not the club. For example, the hipster bars on the Lower East Side [ed. note: do any of those exist anymore?] prefer ‘natural fabrics, lots of skinny denim on boys and girls, a lot of draping fabrics and muted colors.’ The East Village is ‘more rock ’n’ roll with punk undertones’ (try ripped or distressed denim). ‘Meatpacking is your party dress, your five-inch heels, designer bags.’ In SoHo and NoLIta, she said, anything goes. ‘To walk into a place and know it’s ridiculous but I couldn’t care less because I’m rockin’ my pajama pants,’ she said, ‘that’s very SoHo.’”

OK, maybe it sounds just as ridiculous to talk about what to wear to a neighborhood as it does to talk about what to wear to a brunch party.

Although deciding who gets into a nightclub has never been in our job description, we do live in NYC and have seen the inside of enough of them, though probably not the ones with five-inch heel minimums. We’re of the opinion that it’s less about heel height and hem length and more about an overall look. I’ve seen people in clubs wearing t-shirts and denim cut-offs that looked amazing. Our advice: just keep it classy. So, here is a breakdown of what the New York Times says is ok, not ok and a look at what we want to strut our stuff in up at the club.

Bad: baggy pants, stripes, flats, plaid, t-shirts

Good: 5-inch Louboutins, blazers, colorful Dresses, short, tight skirts

What we like:

What would you wear for a night up at the club?