The British press--and let's face it, pretty much everyone else, too--wants Kate Middleton to be pregnant. Every time her hand grazes her belly, reports surface that it's a baby bump. Just think for a minute about the bump watch frenzy that will accompany that blessed event. While no one knows whether or not the Duchess is up the duff carrying royal progeny, Tatler magazine decided to devote its February cover to her, running the headline "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Not surprisingly, the Duchess didn't sit for the cover portrait according to WWD--it's a file photo. The spread inside (below) shows a glowingly happy KMid and some month-by-month tongue-in-cheek tips for how to deal with her pregnancy in the spotlight. We got our hands on the full article, and pulled out some of the funniest advice: On her hair: "Your luscious locks will now be even longer and thicker. Yes, it will fall out after the baby's born, but more pressingly, what hat is going to fit over it for Ascot?"
On William going out with the guys on his birthday: "Some pregnant ladies are less cross than others and even confess to feeling uncontrollably horny, which will make his leaving your side an undeniable rejection. William is saying: a) I just don't fancy youm or b) I"m nervous about shagging you in case I hurt the baby. FYI, even if he's hung like a donkey, he still wouldn't get anywhere near the baby's head. Even if he is the future king."
On having to pee a lot during pregnancy: "Her Majesty has had four children and trained her bladder into an Olympic-standard muscle, so don’t expect any sympathy from her."
On bodily changes and hanging out at Balmoral: "You're going to have to walk a lot too, and being constantly out of breath and sweaty, with a huge afro and your inner thighs rubbing together, is not going to improve your mood. Especially when you get back to the house and Harry appears with his new, very slim and chirpy girlfriend."
On desirability: "By now the Queen's corgis are probably more interested in you than anyone else. Something about the pheromones."
So is 2012 going to be the year that we watch Kate Middleton wear Zara and Alexander McQueen maternity clothes?