Photo: Miranda Kerr by Greg Kadel, Numero #114

I’m going to state this really clearly so that none of you think you are exceptions to this rule: If you go to FIT, you will not find a college boyfriend. Contrary to the experiences that you might encounter at what we like to call ‘real college,’ fashion college is not for lovelorn dreamers. Beware: You are entering a convent. I’m not quite sure why they even offer free birth control at health services. But if you are truly desperate, there are only three types of men available, which I will outline below.

1. Party promoters. This is the youngest and most metrosexual kind of creeper. They will hang out around the freshman dorms at night during orientation and will try to lure you to parties. Then they will try to take your virginity. Do not oblige.

2. Dog walkers. No, not the professional kind. I’m talking about the truly unique types who buy girl-magnet small dogs to try to lure you into conversation. You can spot the really desperate ones when they ditch their teacup poodle for a three-legged amputee to hop up-and-down 27th street alongside them. Stay away.

3. Construction workers. FIT borders the new up-and-coming NoMad neighborhood (that’s North of Madison Square Park), which is full of construction sites. And when it comes to preying on society’s most weak and vulnerable, the contractors of these projects are deceptively intelligent–they’ve chosen FIT as their favorite place to sit outside for an ogle over lunch break.