Well you’re in luck! Because there’ll soon be a ton of new job opportunities opening up right in your neighborhood–right on your street, in fact–on Bedford Avenue (though, let’s face it, no true hipster could actually afford to live on Bedford–unless you’re a legit street-dwelling type). No, they aren’t expanding Brooklyn Bowl–they’re putting in a 35,000-square-foot J.Crew! Allegedly. Maybe.
I know what you’re thinking, but wait. Don’t dismiss the idea of that new J.Crew-driven career path just yet. Before you get all worked up about commercialism, consumerism, non-vegan leather, polo shirts, and “The Man,” consider the location-specific Williamsburg J.Crew employee handbook that was graciously “leaked” yesterday by those hilarious sleuths over at Brokelyn. Really, this job would totally fit into your already established hipster lifestyle–just like a gently-worn floral Elaine Benes dress from Amarcord, or an ironic tattoo of a pizza slice.
A few of our favorites from Brokelyn’s take on the manual:
• STORE HOURS: Williamsburg store hours will be from noonish to 4 a.m., Monday through Thursday. On beach/snow days, please consult with the surrounding bars to establish a “happy hour” schedule.
• BREAKS: Every employee is allowed one 3.5 hour break for brunch per shift.
• AVAILABLE SIZES: XS, S. Anything larger, please refer customers to our satellite stores
• NAMETAGS: Your nametag will say “Megan :/” regardless of your given name or gender.
• EMPLOYEE RELATIONSHIPS: Mandatory.
Our first few months may be a tough sell to our neighbors, but we hope you’ll stick with us. We believe customers will choose us over our competitors’ vintage alternatives for one indisputable reason: Bedbugs. If our guests are still not happy, please direct them to the Hollister store that will be opening next door in March.
Now, a few of our own suggestions for the manual:
• Acceptable hairstyles include dreadlocks, Hitler youths, ironic fades, dip-dyed waist length hair, and anything that requires bi-weekly dry-shampooing.
• Tattoos must be on display at all times. In addition to discounts at J.Crew, tattoo shop discounts will also be made available to employees at the Williamsburg location only.
• Moustache wax bonuses will be awarded based on handlebar curl-length.
• Mandatory team bonding nights at Union Pool will take place Thursday nights following close.
• Permitted pets on the premise are limited to French bulldogs, miniature dachshunds, and cats on leashes.
If anything, your new (as in unused! Can you believe it?) J.Crew clothes will serve as a perfect disguise for when you inevitably dip into the massive Whole Foods that’s also joining the Bedford neighborhood–we promise we won’t tell your usual organic bodega. And anyway, Jenna Lyons wears thick-rimmed glasses. So there’s that.