Men of the world: Are you suffering from scrunched junk? Is regular-old denim cramping your style–and your package? Moreover, do normal jeans fail to provide you with the comfort your goods deserve? Well, at long last, someone’s come up with the perfect solution for all your dick discomforts. Yes, Florida-based clothing brand The Hot Child is manufacturing what it’s calling the “first anatomically-designed jeans with a man’s junk in mind,” aptly dubbed ‘The Hot Child Junk.’ Really.
But these so-called ‘Junk jeans’ aren’t just an advertising ploy–and they aren’t your average penis pants, either. They’re actually constructed with what’s described as a built-in codpiece–you know, that lovely little dick decoration
somebody we witnessed Tom Cruise don in Rock of Ages. Or, to put it more bluntly, there’s a pouch…for your penis. Why didn’t we think of this?
Now, a lot of mail comes through our office here at Fashionista–but The Hot Child press release was on another level entirely. True, we ourselves have never experienced what the release describes as “squashing, squishing, scrunching, or splitting of the goods,” but we couldn’t help but feel for those who have experienced such unpleasantries. We’d actually never even realized this was an issue for most males. But obviously we needed to know everything there was to know about this “casually sexy and boldly irreverent” product which “exudes the ‘go-fuck-yourself’ irreverence of Johnny Rotten with the ‘fuck-me’ sexuality of Jim Morrison” (see what we mean?)–and luckily, COO (and mother of THC’s creator) Catherine Williams was happy to oblige us.
The tale she tells is one of a boy with a dream, some comfortable jeans, and yes–a little penis pinching. Oucccch. Read on.
Fashionista: So can you give us a little background on The Hot Child?
Catherine Williams: I’m the mother of the creator, Octavio Silva–he’s actually the CEO of the company; he’s really the inspiration. He’s 24, he’s beautiful, he’s the face of The Hot Child also. He’s the long haired person you see in all the photos. He has been a creative talent since he was really young, he’s been doing clothes since he was really young. So about four years ago, we really put a name to it–and two years ago, we decided to move to New York so that he could design and also do acting.
Your Junk jeans reach out to a part of the market that hasn’t really been explored. How did you come up with the concept?
Octavio’s main motivation was his anatomy. You know, jeans just aren’t made for men. They’re not flat. There’s nothing on the market that’s really incorporated any kind of contour in a man’s pants. We don’t want to limit ourselves to jeans, but jeans are just so sexy and [ours] really enhance a man. It just allows them to have some freedom of movement, and the only way I can really compare it is to having a comfortable bra–it’s the same for a man having a comfortable pair of jeans. We’ve got multiple patents pending.
Is it ever awkward talking about this stuff with your son?
Oh no! We’re really open! He was very clear about it.
Let’s talk construction–how exactly is the Junk different from your standard men’s jeans?
The fly is built with a contour–we say ‘built in cod piece’ because we really want to get across to men (and people in general) that it’s constructed differently. It’s not sewn flat, it’s sewn on a contour. So if you were looking from the profile, like in the pictures, it’s all man in there! It’s almost like a constructed pouch. It doesn’t look weird though. It’s very sexy. And there’s seven different washes, from almost white to black, to one that’s a leather look.
We do have a lining and they’re all very eclectic and kind of bodacious: Paisley and all kinds of different stuff. Just to be completely off the wall. And most men that I know actually don’t wear underwear to begin with. They’re very soft, underwear or no underwear. And the button fly was intentional. You know, the last thing you wanna do is have your stuff get caught in a zipper–and this happens more often than you think!
Have you heard any There’s Something About Mary-esque horror stories?
Actually yes–my son, Octavio! A one time deal, when he was like 16-years-old, and he actually got the skin caught in a zipper. And it was just like a screech from the bathroom… and I just knew! It’s one of those times in a mother’s life where you just think, you know, I hoped this would never happen in my lifetime! And of course it did. So that inspired the buttons. So we will be buttons for the duration!
What can we expect for the Junk in terms of price point?
We’re hoping Macy’s and up–still a very conservative price point. At this moment in time, it’s literally coming down to the next five days [at the MAGIC trade show in Las Vegas]. It’s all being ironed out because of the manufacturing–we’re made in the USA, so it’s been a real strife to get that done here. But I will tell you that it’s gonna be very fair. We’re not gonna be in the Deisel range—-definitely not, but we will be priced higher than Levi’s. Probably around $80–100. I think it’s important for it to be available to everyone. You know, I dont want someone to have to work two weeks at McDonalds just to be able to buy a pair of our jeans. We’re humble people!
Following our interview, Catherine suggested that I fly out to Vegas to see the Junk in all its button-fly, contoured crotch glory and go on a date with the apparently well-endowed Octavio. Unfortunately I’m a bit strapped for cash at the moment–but if anyone’s interested in reading that story, you know where to send the donations!