Illustration: Mara Sprafkin

To kick off the series, Erin Fetherston told us about her nightmare involving a stolen collection and a Smurf-colored jacket. Next up, the incomparable Simon Doonan, Barneys’ Creative Ambassador-at-Large, has nightmares about watching his dog dry-hump a model on the runway–while he looks on from standing!

I arrive at the Tents and nobody says hello and nobody tries to take my picture. What AM I? Chopped liver? I am carrying my dog Liberace. I brought him along to make a great photo op. Nobody seems to agree with me. We move through the crowd and nobody ambushes me about their new web site and nobody stuffs a resume in my hand and begs for a job. Nobody even makes eye contact. Gradually I realize how much I always enjoyed being “bothered” by young hopefuls whenever I arrived at the shows. I look for my seat.

EEK! I am in “standing”…which means I am staring at the back of somebody’s legs. (I’m short.) Suddenly I realize that Liberace has escaped. The show begins. I peak through my neighbors legs Liberace bum rushes the first model and begins humping her leg…I wake up screaming.

Mara's Full Sketch