Without a doubt, one of the best things about the holiday season is the music: Mindless Christmas carols (with a dash of that Adam Sandler Chanukah song for good measure) we’ve all grown up singing, but have never really given much thought to what they actually meant. Sure, a few of them stem from Hollywood classics, with others originating from the World Wars. But the most confusing/obnoxious/repetitive one of all might just be…

“On the twelfth day of Christmas, my true love gave to me…” What–and when–even is the twelfth day of Christmas? What is a turtle dove? And why are we promoting the giving of human beings to others as gifts? These questions aside, we thought it would be fun to translate the beloved and not-at-all-annoying “Twelve Days of Christmas” into a more time-relevant guide to dressing well and treating yourself this holiday season.

So sing along with me now–go ahead, you know the words…