Believe it or not but the Grammys is starting to have a lot more in common with our real-life grammy. Both were way cooler a few decades ago, take no issue with sleep-inducing television, and now, share an affinity for modest dressing!

Yesterday afternoon, a ‘Wardrobe Advisory’ email from CBS (the Grammys hosting network) began circulating on the ‘net after it was posted on Deadline. Unbeknownst to us, CBS apparently enforces a strict “network policy concerning wardrobe (presumably enforced post-Janet Jackson’s Super Bowl Nipplegate back in 2004).

Amongst those clothing choices not deemed appropriate by CBS for the 55th Annual Grammy Awards:

• Buttocks and female breasts (obese man boobs are apparently ok)
• Thongs and bare fleshy under curves of the buttocks and buttock crack (Come again?)
• Bare sides or under curvature of the breasts (We get it–NO BREASTS. Also? The technical term is “under boob.”)
• Sheer see-through clothing that could possibly expose female breast nipples (nipples elsewhere are fine)
• No visible “puffy” bare skin exposure in genital region (Would warrant a doctor’s attention, no?)
• Foreign language on wardrobe will need to be cleared (Racist?)
• Any organized cause visibly spelled out on talent’s wardrobe be avoided. This would include lapel pins or any other form of accessory. (Lapel pins=bad.)

No nipples? No under-bums? No thongs? No lapel pins? NO PUFFY GENITAL SKIN?? Snooze. All in all, it’s great news for Taylor Swift. But this pretty much cements what we’ll be doing this Sunday night–and it involves a DVR’d marathon of Hoarders. Thanks, CBS!

But first, let’s take a moment to mourn all those fabulous Grammy Awards outfits of eons past that would no longer make it to broadcast in the year 1984 2013.

Photos: Getty