To Discuss: Cher's Dueling Wigs, Bondage Bustier on The Voice

Swaddled by a throng of thrusting, fist-pumping lady dancers, 67-year-old Cher hobbled around the stage for a full three minutes and 27 seconds to her new song "Woman's World" while wearing parachute pants, a bondage-style bustier, several harnesses, a jacket covered in bathroom tiles, and a face from 30 years ago. But the real perplexity lies in how Cher managed to stay so focused on the track's complex lyrics throughout it all, what with that whole strobe lights situation, Adam Levine's striking good looks smizing at her from the audience, and two puppies play-fighting atop her non-aging head.
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Nora Crotty
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Swaddled by a throng of thrusting, fist-pumping lady dancers, 67-year-old Cher hobbled around the stage for a full three minutes and 27 seconds to her new song "Woman's World" while wearing parachute pants, a bondage-style bustier, several harnesses, a jacket covered in bathroom tiles, and a face from 30 years ago. But the real perplexity lies in how Cher managed to stay so focused on the track's complex lyrics throughout it all, what with that whole strobe lights situation, Adam Levine's striking good looks smizing at her from the audience, and two puppies play-fighting atop her non-aging head.
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We feel confused right now. Confused for America, confused for the AARP, and mostly, confused for Jack McFarland (hooo!). Obviously, we're referring to Cher's appearance (performance is too strong a word) on last night's season finale of The Voice, her first on live TV in over 10 years. And what an appearance it was!

Swaddled by a throng of thrusting, fist-pumping lady dancers, 67-year-old Cher hobbled around the stage for a full three minutes and 27 seconds to her new song "Woman's World" while wearing parachute pants, a bondage-style bustier, several harnesses, a jacket covered in bathroom tiles, and a face from 30 years ago.

But the real perplexity lies in how Cher managed to stay so focused on the track's complex lyrics throughout it all, what with that whole strobe lights situation, Adam Levine's striking good looks smizing at her from the audience, and two puppies play-fighting atop her non-aging head. Yes, puppies. Though the breeds of said puppies have yet to be formally recognized by the AKC, our childhood Dog Fancy subscription leads us to identify them as a golden retriever and Gordon Setter, no more than seven weeks old. It's unclear whether any puppies were harmed during the making of Cher's outfit, though to be fair, she wasn't really moving around all that much.

Don't worry though, guys, Cher's totally proud of her pups. As per her marvelous Twitter (which you really need to look at right now if you somehow haven't managed yet):

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Watch it all go down below.