Men Are Getting Ass Injections to Keep Their Pants Up

Anthony Weiner's not the only man in America who's having trouble keeping his pants up. Today, the New York Times graciously shed light on a new trend sweeping the men of this great, robust, decidedly assless nation of ours: Ass injections--also known as gluteal sculpting.
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Anthony Weiner's not the only man in America who's having trouble keeping his pants up. Today, the New York Times graciously shed light on a new trend sweeping the men of this great, robust, decidedly assless nation of ours: Ass injections--also known as gluteal sculpting.
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Anthony Weiner's not the only man in America who's having trouble keeping his pants up.

Today, the New York Times graciously shed light on a new trend sweeping the men of this great, robust, decidedly assless nation of ours: Ass injections--also known as gluteal sculpting. According to the piece, flat-assed guys everywhere are sick and tired of having to hold up their pants with belts--and the slimmer silhouette that's taken over #menswear hath no mercy on thee of little tush.

"I just wanted to be able to put on a pair of pants and for them to stay up,” said Jeff Vickers, a construction worker who had a self-described 'nonexistent butt' prior to the procedure. "I’m not a girl so I’m not worried about having a table back there you could sit a coffee cup on." (Mr. Vickers was presumably the inspiration behind Mel Gibson's role in What Women Want).

For those guys who aren't into the idea of shelling out $8,500 for another human to suck fat from their abdomens and smushing it into their behinds (yes, this is how the procedure works), there are less invasive alternatives in the form of padded and push up undies. E-tailer Freshpair reported a 5% increase in sales of ass enhancing men's underwear in the past year alone. Wonderbra-esque underpants with "5-by-7 inch oval pads quilted into them that could pass for potholders" are one option, along with boxer briefs constructed with support straps.

And then there's always the old wallet trick, which is exactly what it sounds like. According to one doctor who regularly performs gluteal sculpting, the next best way to "to pump up [a man's] derrière" is by stuffing a wallet in his back pocket. (It should be noted that 10 out of 10 subway pick-pocketers prefer this method of enhancement).

With the rise of ass injections, perhaps men have finally given up on their futile attempts at enhancing a certain other part of their anatomy...