I've been wigging out over Kim Kardashian's new smartphone app, the cleverly titled "Kim Kardashian: Hollywood," since North West's mummy announced its existence via an impeccable Instagram video last week.
Well, it's finally here -- and it's so much more ridiculous than I imagined. (Or maybe I should just have my imagination checked?)
Bible, I've actually never downloaded or used a single-player cell phone game before this one. They've just never appealed to me -- I don't even know the plot line of Angry Birds. But the temptation of interacting with a pre-recorded, kartoon Kardashian was so strong, I found myself unable to resist. Also, it's free.
The game's objective basically mirrors the struggle of my actual life: to become as rich and famous as possible. First, you kustomize (yes, it's spelled with a 'k') your kharacter to sort of resemble yourself. Then, once you've chosen between your krop tops and leather jeggings, you get to werk.
...at a boutique in Los Angeles, folding shirts and slaving away, etc. until ONE GLORIOUS NIGHT, just as you're locking up to go home, your fairy godmother Kim Kardashian appears and whisks you away to a fabulous world filled with photoshoots, flirting and paparazzi.
You receive cash rewards and BRILLIANT words of approval from Kim depending on how much you're willing to fame-whore yourself out. (See her life-altering advice that I hire my own Kris Jenner-esque "momager," above.)
But the more you suck at being famous, the worse you do in the game. I lost money -- I think? -- for telling a blonde named Willow Pape that I'd never heard of her before, and again when I said I wasn't hitting on her boyfriend (who was TOTALLY flirting with me first, btw. Apparently the more appropriate response was something like, "Yeah, so what if I was?!")
I made it through about four minutes, which included one outfit change, two city bus rides and one derogatory comment made by me to a maybe-homeless person (Guy: "Do you think I could get into this party?" Me: "Doubt it."), for which I lost a sizable chunk of my savings. Womp.
After writing this entire post, I handed my phone to Tyler, who was being a total hater about the KK game. But mere moments after opening the app, she was hooked. And what's more: She was SO GOOD AT IT. Apparently the fact that I've never played a cellphone game before put me at a bigger disadvantage when it came to gaining fame points in KardashianLand than I'd realized.
Below, I'll list a sampling of real quotes from Tyler while playing "Kim Kardashian: Hollywood."
• "OH MY GODDDD KIM KARDASHIAN IS CALLING ME!"
• "Kim Kardashian wants to have lunch with me!"
• "OMG I'm flirting!"
• "Look at all this money!"
• "No but seriously, this is the best game I've ever played."
• "It's amazing."
• "I need to download this."
• "I'm going to play this on the subway all the time."
...Do with this information what you wish.