The Dos and Don'ts of Making It at the House of DVF, Episode 4

With special appearances from Karlie Kloss and the biggest bottle of vodka you've ever seen.
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With special appearances from Karlie Kloss and the biggest bottle of vodka you've ever seen.
Don't they have interns for this? Photo: E!

Don't they have interns for this? Photo: E!

Well, that was kind of a tease. Minus two contestants (bye bye Codi and gainfully employed Tiffani), the "House of DVF" roared on into episode four, which was jam-packed with bitchery from a whole host of people, questionable critical thinking skills and Jinna's disposition to party.

While we didn't find out who lost this round yet (next episode, guys), we did enjoy a host of notable moments. First off, whoa, Jessica Joffe, who rocks the best BRF to date. (I would not want to show up hungover at a meeting with her.) Brittany seems to have usurped the "bitch of the group" title from Kier and put a hex on Amanda in the process. I think that the conversion to the NYC fashion world is starting to kick in with the ladies. I counted three fashion editor topknots in the mix: Kier, Brittany and Lenore (!!!), but then the return of over-accessorizing (too.many.chunky.necklaces). Stefani Greenfield gracefully encountered a "bitch stole my look" moment with the luncheon TABLECLOTH (#awesome). Also, did anyone notice that Lenore wore Amanda's weird watercolor muu muu dress from Bergdorf's as a top during the Architectural Digest lunch? (I really need to get a life.) Best quote of the episode goes to Stanley Tucci (i.e. Chief Marketing Officer Eran Cohen), who told his boss lady, "You might want to hide the bag" and everybody KARLIE KLOSS ALERT!!

So let's commence with this week's episode of the Dos and Don'ts of impressing boss lady von Furstenberg and her increasingly exasperated team. Or maybe we should just call this recap "What NOT to Do in DVF's House." I think I need a shot of Patron.

DO

"Work for the next three hours selling the shit out" of DVF dresses. (Wasn't it jarring to hear the ultra-posh Joffe drop the "s" bomb?) Abigail was not bringing her A-game to this episode. After committing the first "don't" (see below), she also didn't even attempt to sell any signature frocks at the DVF x Bergdorf Goodman customer event. While the rest of the girls managed pull some previously unseen and fairly decent client skills out of their asses, Abigail wandered about aimlessly and unconvincingly pretended to be busy shuffling hangers about on the racks. (Abs, I've worked in retail before, that never fools anyone.) 

How I felt watching certain parts of this episode. Photo: E!

How I felt watching certain parts of this episode. Photo: E!

Present multiple sketch options during a dress design competition. Preferably a dress with sleeves, as Brittany, Amanda and Jinna gleefully discovered. "It's really good that you did a design with a sleeve," says artistic director Michael Herz. "Most designers hate having to put sleeves into dresses." Um, what? Also was anyone else confused by the editing that made it seem like those three presented one winning sketch, while Kier and Abigail both presented their own designs separately? This also serves a quick lesson to NOT bring just one measly design to the table especially if "it’s the most basic, uninteresting wrap dress I’ve ever seen." (But were there actual parameters to this competition?)

She really is everywhere. Photo: E!

She really is everywhere. Photo: E!

Wear DVF. Although, wear it the right way -- looking at you, Abigail (again, please see first don't). Brittany, who spent the episode skillfully doing absolutely nothing and terrorizing sweet Amanda, wins the coveted last-minute 14th spot at the editor's lunch table (and Karlie Kloss!) for the sole reason that she's wearing a Diane von Furstenberg dress. And then the rest of the girls are left serving the table full of Architectural Digest bigwigs and a smug Brittany/Thomas. Poor, forlorn Amanda was awkwardly standing around the table like footman Jimmy trying to catch a break.

DON'T

I'm not sure that's what Jessica Joffe meant when she said, "Show yourselves to me." Photo: E!

I'm not sure that's what Jessica Joffe meant when she said, "Show yourselves to me." Photo: E!

Confuse underwear for outerwear at Bergdorf Goodman. For the girl's mini-assignment at a DVF customer event at Bergdorf Goodman, Abigail thought she would show off some of her signature "flair" by layering a ruffly wrap frock over some lacy thing. "She’s basically wearing lingerie at Bergdorf and she’s like, well, it’s DVF," sniffs Joffe. (Which didn't go unnoticed by von Furstenberg, btw. "I did not like the way she dressed.") The redhead didn't stop there, later scolding Abigail, "Your undergarments were showing. I still feel like you’re very attached to your personal flair." Damn, did Herz and Joffe skip breakfast this episode?

Belittle a man's profession. This is more of a dating don't, JINNA, but lesson nonetheless. (Especially if one has a "fire burning in her crotch that even the New York City Fire Department" could not extinguish. Kudos on that one, Abigail.) After the stress of working for a monstrous three hours at Bergdorf, Jinna, Abigail and Amanda hit the club. (Although, if my memory from my long gone party days serves me correctly, the girls just took the elevator upstairs to the Gansevoort Hotel rooftop bar, while a taxi scene was intercut to make it look like they actually went somewhere.) There, a poor man's Adam Levine, who is "a tour manager for a DJ," buys the girls a round of tequila. It looks like things are going semi-well for newly single Jinna, but then she kills the moment with, "So do you get them snacks?" And then... he's out.

"I can sense the tequila in your system." Photo: E!

"I can sense the tequila in your system." Photo: E!

Do not show up even hinting of a hangover at a DVF meeting. Sheesh, has Jessica Joffe like ever worked anywhere with 20-somethings in New York City? And in Jinna's defense, she didn't look even the slightest bit rough (because when I'm hungover, I kinda look like this) and was probably smelling sweet and fresh from a spritz of J. Lo Glo, as opposed to stale liquor. But a producer tattling always makes for good TV. Of course, Jinna doesn't seem to learn her lesson, later quaffing champers while on the job not buying silverware and a super-sized bottle of Grey Goose -- straight from the bottle, because duh. Be forewarned, Jinna: "Right there is not the DVF look, I will say that much.”

Nothing to see here folks. Just an average night in the Meatpacking District. Photo: E!

Nothing to see here folks. Just an average night in the Meatpacking District. Photo: E!

Forget that people need plates, cups and silverware with their meals. Especially editors. First off, doesn't the Standard Grill have place settings? And was fancy event planner Bronson van Wyck allowed to give the girls any pointers on event planning before sending them off on their assigned tasks? Although since Lenore, who supposedly has a "bachelor’s for hospitality, part of it for event planning" (which you know would not bode well) could have given Brittany and Jinna the heads up to prioritize plates, forks and knives before bird sculptures. And granted, van Wyck looked like he wanted to melt into the floor anytime he was alone with the girls.

Give Diane von Furstenberg granola with her fruit bowl. For future reference in case you're having the former princess over for brunch. She prefers her cut fruit unsullied by breakfast cereals made from rolled oats and nuts. (OH YEAH YOU, Fig & Olive waiter.) And never seat her at a table of 13. She's European.

Underestimate the DVF team. Just when you think the girls have pulled the wool over the eyes of von Furstenberg and her trusted lieutenants, the team shows more savvy than you expect. Of course, they're probably watching the dailies, too. Like just when you think Brittany got away with taking credit for Jinna's idea to wrap the seat cushions in DVF prints. "Brittany presents incredibly well, but she’s deeply ingenious," Joffe says. "I don’t trust that she can actually handle herself when she's not performing for us." And while von Furstenberg says Jinna is the most "enigmatic" (just give her a tete a tete sesh, DVF!), Cohen points out that she is the most business savvy. (When she's not pounding a gallon of Grey Goose, that is.)

Who gets the bag hidden under the table?! Until next week folks. Photo: E!

Who gets the bag hidden under the table?! Until next week folks. Photo: E!

Well, you pulled a fast one on me, "House of DVF," by stashing the dreaded gift bag under the table (as Cohen suggested) and leaving it for next week's episode. Who do you think will walk away with the bag?

Quick, take it while she isn't looking! Photo: E!

Quick, take it while she isn't looking! Photo: E!