'Game of Thrones' Introduces Another Unhappy Wedding Dress

Why does anyone actually go through with weddings on this show?
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Why does anyone actually go through with weddings on this show?
Don't do it, Sansa. Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

Don't do it, Sansa. Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

Anything involving matrimony in the Seven Kingdoms seems generally like a bad idea, and last night's "Game of Thrones" episode did nothing to change my opinion of this. Somber even by GoT standards, the episode featured Sansa marrying the increasingly horrible Ramsay Bolton, Jaime trying to rescue his daughter/niece without success, Margaery and her hot brother being thrown in jail, and Tyrion and Jorah getting captured by slavers. At least we were spared Daenerys making any bad leadership decisions. Small mercies. 

Let's see what everyone wore during all of this misery.

Trystane and Myrcella

Young love. Photo: Macall B. Polay/HBO

Young love. Photo: Macall B. Polay/HBO

Cersei's daughter Myrcella is really blossoming, and she and the cute Trystane Marcell  — who could totally be in a Dornish boy band — make a pretty adorable couple. Bonus points for Myrcella matching her hair flower to Trystane's tunic. That being said, they should not under any circumstances get married. Something terrible will happen. 

Trystane Wears Pink Confidently

Pretty. Photo: Macall B. Polay/HBO

Pretty. Photo: Macall B. Polay/HBO

Let's take a closer look at Trystane and his fashion choices. Despite the pink and gold brocade, a healthy expanse of visible chest hair, and large chunky accessories, he totally wears his outfit. It does not wear him. We don't really know if he's only a pretty boy or if more lies under the surface. Time will tell.

Hey, Look at All the Heads

But where are the bodies? Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

But where are the bodies? Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

Arya progresses on to the next level of weird assassin school at the House of Black and White by being introduced to the Hall of Heads. Speaking of heads, her hair is growing out nicely, but she could use some dry shampoo or a cute hair clip or something. She's still wearing the sack-like dress, but based on teasers, we know that Arya's full-on makeover is still coming. 

Jaime in Disguise

Is that you, Uncle Jaime? Photo: Macall B. Polay/HBO

Is that you, Uncle Jaime? Photo: Macall B. Polay/HBO

Jaime uses one of the oldest plot devices in the book, wearing the uniform of some guards he killed to blend in at the Dorne palace. (See also: Luke Skywalker and Han Solo dressing up as stormtroopers in the original Star Wars.) He should wear color more often because it suits him. Too bad he and Bronn botched Myrcella's rescue, though. Not that she seems to want to be rescued.

Boob Armor, Redux

Does that leather armor chafe? Macall B. Polay/HBO

Does that leather armor chafe? Macall B. Polay/HBO

We were first introduced to the Sand Snakes, Oberyn's bastard daughters who want to avenge his death by messing with Myrcella, a few weeks ago. I like Obara Sand and her boob armor. I have a strange feeling she's going to be killed off soon, though, just like her daddy. However, for the moment she and her sisters are really throwing a wrinkle into Cersei's plan to get her daughter back. 

Margaery Goes to Jail

Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

Cersei and the formidable Lady Olenna, Margaery's grandmother, deliciously butted heads in this episode, but Cersei obviously wins this round. She managed to get the religious police to throw both Loras and Margaery in jail for "buggery," and aiding and abetting said buggery, respectively. Hopefully they let Margaery change out of that lovely dress before they put her in jail. Cersei, girl: Watch your back. Do not mess with Lady Olenna. 

Keep Your Friends Close and Your Enemies Closer

So much shade here. Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

So much shade here. Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

Myranda, Ramsay's crazy girlfriend, decides to help Sansa bathe on her wedding night, then proceeds to tell her all sorts of horrible things about how Ramsay hunted down all his ex-girlfriends. Sansa shuts Myranda down pretty quickly, but I fear it is all talk. Makeover note: Sans washes out the black hair dye and goes back to her natural red. I sort of wish she had left the black, because that was symbolic of her newfound badassery, which she will obviously need in her new marriage. 

Sansa's Second Wedding

Nooooooo. Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

Nooooooo. Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

Let's not talk about who Sansa is marrying, and just discuss her dress. It's very "Frozen"-esque, and I love the fur shawl. It's absolutely perfect for a nighttime Winterfell wedding. 

Reek Cleans Up Nicely

Theon is back. Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

Theon is back. Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

Ramsay, in his usual sadistic manner, has decided that Theon/Reek should walk Sansa down the aisle and give her away. What is encouraging here is that a bit of Theon comes peeking through, thanks to the clean clothes. This can only mean good things for Sansa, right? RIGHT??

A Wedding Night

NOOOOOO. Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

NOOOOOO. Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

This wedding night rape scene, complete with Theon/Reek watching, was one of the most difficult scenes I've watched in all five seasons of "Game of Thrones," and that is saying something. I have to hope that the writers will finally let Sansa have some justice eventually. She and Theon must team up and throw Ramsay to his own hunting dogs or something equally as terrible. 

Jorah and Tyrion Get Captured

Prosperous-looking slavers. Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

Prosperous-looking slavers. Photo: Helen Sloan/HBO

This scene, despite Jorah and Tyrion getting captured, provided the one bit of levity in last night's show. Tyrion, convincing the slavers not to kill him and that his, erm, manhood, is not, in fact, dwarf-sized, was a needed bit of wit. He's going to be just fine. Jorah, with his newly diagnosed greyscale, maybe not so much. Whoever kills this slaver (Daenerys's boy toy Daario, maybe?) should keep that cool leather belt.