Am I Too Thirsty?

Probably, but here's how to dress like you aren't.
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Probably, but here's how to dress like you aren't.
You're better than this. Photo: iStock

You're better than this. Photo: iStock

Welcome to Shop It Out!, a series dedicated to answering life's big, messy questions in the only way we know how: with shopping.

Q: Recently, I overheard my co-workers laughing about an unnamed Twitter entity's extreme thirst for retweets and faves — for attention, generally speaking. Paranoia set in. How do I know if I, too, am being extremely thirsty? Sometimes I try really hard to get people to notice my tweets. Is it possible to be thirsty without knowing you're thirsty?!

Signed,
A Thirsty Wanderer in the Desert of Life

Dear Thirsty Wanderer,
Oh yes, the fear of being annoying, inauthentic and, worst of all, unaware of it all? We know that one well. Even if you don’t spend your days and nights on Twitter, there are a million ways to expose your own insecurities to the world.

First, because our dads are reading this, let’s all get on the same Urban Dictionary page about the nature of thirst — the sort unrelated to bodily hydration. As some guy or gal named "Forsetti" perfectly summed it up about a decade ago (three years, but we work in Internet years here), thirst is: "Desire, greed, obsession, or lust for an object or person characterized by over eagerness or obsessiveness that is obvious to everyone around you." Scooping up the guacamole at margarita happy hour at a rate of 2.1 chips to everyone else's single dip? Thirsty. Commenting "First!" on a Kardashian's Instagram post? Thirstier. Allison Williams's "Peter Pan" promos? Thirstiest.

The thing is, we all have thirst, to one degree or another, and that's okay. The thirst is sort of like the dark forces that recur in books and movies like "Lord of the Rings" and "Harry Potter" — we can all be overtaken by it, but only if we don't have the self-awareness to keep it in check. You, my thirsty wanderer, are clearly more than self-conscious enough. You're going to be just fine. But don't fear the thirst, because fear will just make you act erratically. Instead, try to understand the insecurities that motivate the thirst and the conditions under which you feel it most acutely. If you feel the thirst tugging at you — if, say, you find yourself wanting to tweet at Harry Styles's uncle — save that tweet to drafts and move on. No amount of DMs with said uncle will lead to a hookup with Harry. We're sorry, but you already know that deep down.

As people who write books about French women's diet secrets always explain: It's all about balance. Trying your best not to appear thirsty doesn't mean you have to shut down your Instagram and make the world's frumpiest corduroys your new uniform. Go high-low. Wear some sensible shoes to keep you down to earth and then indulge your most showoffy whims by channeling human snow leopard Cate Blanchett at the top of her red carpet game. With, say, a certified pre-owned silk Chanel jumpsuit and some tinted glasses.

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1. Vintage Chanel silk jumpsuit with fringe trim scarf, $995, available at The Real Real. 
Let's take the ath out of leisure, shall we? Pajamas for day have never looked so regal. But this piece also has a total of four pockets and an elastic waistband because you are a modern woman who pays her own bills and doesn't buy followers.

2. Rose-trimmed spectacles (prescription not necessary), $35, available at Etsy. 
Oftentimes, we need to protect ourselves from the harsh emotional realities of being fully feeling organisms making our way in today's society. What better way to symbolize self care than with delicate glasses that bring your personal truth into sharper focus?

3. Anya Hindmarch metallic bag, $1,595, available once upon a time at Anya Hindmarch.
While we're on the topic of vision, both metaphorical and literal, we recommend a reflective silver handbag in which you might catch distorted glimpses of your reflection, and then contemplate the myriad ways in which we misunderstand how others view us.

4. Equipment blazer, $430, available at Net-a-Porter. 
A basic that will never run the risk of becoming the bad meaning of basic. Much like you, it's ready for effortless layering (of complex and often contradictory ambitions).

5. Maryam Nassir Zadeh Roberta heels, $379.00, available at Maryam Nassir Zadeh. 
Stay grounded in simple but expensive chalk-colored heels that are as comfortable as they look.

6. Travel mug, $15.74, available at Crate & Barrel. 
Satisfy physical thirst with this brushed stainless steel thermos, featuring a no-spill silicone seal. It keeps drinks hot or cold for up to seven hours — coincidentally the same amount time Eliza and Chantal spent figuring out what thirst is.