Dear Desperate Housewives Fashion Publicists, We've gotten a lot of emails lately telling us that Heidi Montag was spotted wearing whatever, that Kim Kardashian was spotted wearing whatever, that Fergie was spotted wearing whatever. We understand you're just doing your job, but there's something you should know: You're killing your clients. If American girls knew that Heidi Montag was wearing something they wanted, they would immediately put it down and sprint - not walk - out of the store. So here are some unofficial guidelines: If the person wearing your client's clothes is... * "Famous" for being a bitch on reality TV (see: Heidi Montag) * "Famous" for sleeping with someone legitimately famous (see: Brandon Davis) * "Famous" for being the sibling of someone legitimately famous (see: Ali Lohan) * "Famous" because all they've ever wanted in their lives is to be famous, and therefore useless (see: Kim Kardashian, Stephanie Pratt, Kristen Cavalieri, anyone on My Super Sweet Sixteen, that Aubrey chick from Danity Kane, Jade from Top Model...) * Really talented but constantly choosing terrible clothes (see: Fergie!) Then we'll never buy the clothes they're wearing! Ever! Please get the hint. xoxo Fashionista. And every stylish girl in the world.