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An Ode to the Forgotten Wrist Fanny Pack

I will NEVER throw this thing away. Ever.

As a borderline hoarder (or as I prefer, a "sentimental collector"), I’ve accrued quite a bevy of tchotchkes over the years: Inanimate reminders of… well, something or other, that’ve followed me from home to home, dorm room to apartment and several more apartments after that. A plastic whale figurine from my eighth birthday cake, the llama finger puppet I found in Harlem and a statuette of a fish made from seashells bought at a flea market — likely a souvenir from someone else’s vaca — have all staked out places in my nearly storage-free abode.

Most of these items lack both purpose and monetary value, and do little more than cause excess clutter. I fantasize frequently about hauling one of those massive dumpsters to the front of my building and tossing out all my belongings en masse.

But there is one item in particular that no amount of John Lennon records or Gandhi teachings could convince me to defenestrate. It's a fanny pack for your wrist. And it is glorious. 

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Specifically, it's a turquoise nylon coin pouch with velcro wrist straps, emblazoned with the old Miami Dolphins logo. I have no idea where or when I acquired it — was it a gift? A memento of some kind? Did I find it at school? Was I a massive Florida sports fan in a past life? I'll probably never know.

But what I do know is that I can't remember — or imagine — my life without it. This thing is freaking genius. Don't want to carry your heavy wallet on a night out? Wrist fanny pack. Traveling light? Wrist fanny pack. Wary of pickpockets? Wrist fanny pack. Want to impress everyone you meet with your innate sartorial sensibilities? I've got three words for you, my friend: WRIST FANNY PACK. 

If I may, I'd like to now use this space as an open letter to any and all designers and brands that have yet to factor this brilliant accessory into their repertoire of products. Wrist fanny packs may be our past... but they are also our future. Because there's only one place to go after you've put out an entire collection based on #normcore, grocery store kitsch and bedazzled commuter sneakers, Karl Lagerfeld. And that place involves wrist fanny packs.