After saying auf wiedersehen to mean girl Coco and whackadoo Rhianna in the series premiere, the real competition for the coveted DVF Girl brand ambassador position was ON for episode two of "House of DVF." And you know what that means: more cat fights (the battle lines have been drawn between the shit-stirring Kier and outspoken Abigail), bonding -- both forced (look book team challenge!) and organic (Tiffani and Jinna quaffing mimosas and talking about boys), so many tears, and continued over-accessorizing.
Eventually, we bid adieu to "weird Mormon" Codi, but she didn't really seem like she fit in anyway — despite the blunt bangs and Cara Delevingne eyebrows. And did anyone notice that the farewell gift bag was bigger this time around?
As we take bets on which contestant will end up sprawled on the bathroom floor at the CFDA Awards in episode three, let's review the latest Dos and Don'ts of making it in DVF's house — and, as usual, the Don'ts outnumber the Dos.
Be a wallflower. I'm sorry, but was I the only one completely flummoxed when DVF creative brand director Stefani Greenfield singled out Amanda as the standout contestant in last week's episode? Kier actually had a point that maybe the powers that be confused both blondes since the blogger "straightened her hair" last week. Because, for the life of me, I cannot recall Amanda or her performance in episode one. But hey, more power to you, girl.
Learn proper pronunciations of words. I understand that sometimes foreign languages and names of far away places can be difficult to grasp. But it's "coat dah-zeuhr," not "Côte Dujour," Lenore. Nor does the name involve the word "Zoo," Codi. And poor little Bronx girl Tiffani, who mangled the word "gala," prompting a snappy correction from von Furstenberg herself: "You don’t say gay-la you say gaaah-la."
Walk to Greenfield in the midst of a dramatic meltdown. This doubles as a 'don't make her walk to you,' especially if she's wearing five-inch heels and steep flights of stairs are involved. Once Abigail heeded Greenfield's directive to walk up two flights of stairs to meet her, the mentor gave the contestant a pep talk and nod of support.
Be an egomaniac once in awhile. Von Furstenberg decides to keep everyone on their toes by calling for a rush presentation of the mood board assignment. Unsurprisingly, Kier took the assignment as the opportunity to paste a bajillion photos of herself onto her piece of poster board with successful results. "I like this one,” DVF says to everyone's extreme annoyance/dismay. "These girls think I’m a narcissist," Kier shrugs. "I don’t really care, so suck it.”
Forget to spellcheck. If you're going to blatantly kiss ass in front of all your competitors by giving Greenfield a personalized thank you note, make sure you spell her name correctly. For the record, Kier, it's Stefani with an 'F,' not Stephani. Cue the schadenfreude from the rest of the group.
Wear ridiculously distracting hair accessories. Fatal mistake, Kier. The busty blogger decides to adorn her coif with an oversize gold foil bow, which honestly can only be pulled off by Minnie Mouse, Madonna circa "Borderline," or Whitney Houston in the "How Will I Know" video (so good). Greenfield was not impressed, "That's quite a bow. What were you thinking?"
Confuse a DVF wrap dress for a jacket. I mean, kudos to Lenore for thinking outside of the box and re-imagining a wrap dress as a jacket for a look book outfit. BUT when you're presenting to the woman — no, the legend — that created the iconic dress, maybe think twice. "It’s not a jacket, it's a dress," DVF points out. "THAT’S WHY IT DIDN’T WORK," agrees Greenfield.
Be afraid to bullshit in a meeting. When ill-prepared Tiffani rushes into the mood board presentation with basically a spray-painted and dirt speckled piece of cardboard, courtesy of her skater boi wannabe Banksy boyfriend, the ingenue actually admits that she is presenting "nothing" to the judges. But von Furstenberg and artistic director Michael Herz take pity on young Tiffani, who is admittedly adorable, and give her a do-over. "Fake it 'til you make it, pretend like you did it," advises Herz. (And did anyone else notice that von Furstenberg clearly has an affinity for Tiffani? I saw that affectionate cheek pinch at the look book shoot!)
Think you have style if you don't. Oh, Lenore. Guess she didn't learn her lesson after Greenfield practically ripped that terrible neon yellow choker off her neck in episode one. Even her mood board is a hot mess of criminal over-accessorizing: cheesy nature scenes, a butterfly, what look to be scrunchies, and a rando swatch of colorful houndstooth. ("Lenore’s board was as overdone as Lenore is at times,” quips Greenfield.) Von Furstenberg, however, calls it like it is: "Style, it doesn't come to you naturally." But the fashion icon is willing to try and give the Staten Island native the Pygmalion treatment and her advice is quite straightforward — "simplify, SIMPLIFY." We'll see if Lenore can comply.
Veer from the given assignment. When the project directive is a mood board inspired by the Côte d'Azur, don't try impressing everyone with superfluous efforts —like your sketching skills (ahem, Abigail; "We didn't ask you to design clothes," remarks an unimpressed Herz) or a collection of random, albeit good, photos taken by yourself. Puppies, guys in weird devil makeup, and a girl who looks like Ellie Goulding do not bring images of the French Riviera to mind, Codi. So it was inevitable that the aspiring photographer would get the boot, but she did go back to Salt Lake City with a supersized DVF gift bag, if that's any consolation.