Hey, if party-loving Jinna didn't get the Gift Bag of Defeat in the last episode, there's no way in hell she would have lasted through the much-anticipated Hamptons trip. Maybe Diane von Furstenberg would have even fired her during the trip, instead of making it another gift bag-free episode. But based on Brittany's "sass"-y behavior with a no-BS Jessica Joffe, and next week's previews, the increasingly grating character looks to be the oust-ee. And I wouldn't be upset about that.
But, in short, there were no winners of this episode. If only because everyone was even MORE disappointing than last week, including the etiquette-flouting guest stars — yes, looking at you, Yumi Matsuo of Guest of a Guest. Although, on second thought, maybe J. Joff rose above the fray, if only because the style editor extraordinaire made the most of the girls' ridiculousness to flex those acting muscles.
So without further delay, let's play another round of the dos and don'ts of making it at the house of DVF, this time composed entirely of DON'Ts.
Think you've earned a day off when the "House of DVF" producers claim you do. Because it's really a ploy for viewers to catch you off guard and most likely unprepared — and, without fail, the girls totally fell into that trap. While von Furstenberg thinks it's a "fait accompli" to snatch Brittany, Lenore, Kier and Amanda back to work to help with DVF dress fittings for the Hamptons Classic, Joffe is a bit skeptical. "I don’t know what I got myself into," she says. “I would never think of bringing the girls out with me, but we have so many clients that we need to deal with and I just need the support." I think it's a "fait accompli" that this will blow up in your face.
Depend on Amanda as the "responsible one," especially when it comes to driving directions. Instead of pre-determining a Google Maps route, Amanda and the girls appear to wing it while driving to the Hamps. You know it's not going to go well when Amanda asks, "Do I want the freeways to be avoided?" and later uses the excuse, "Yeah, sorry, I’m really bad at nav," so yeah. And has no one learned to bring a fully charged phone to work?! Obviously, the girls are tragically late to meet the "clients," including Becca Tobin and model-ish Jessica White, as well as a frantic and perfectly disheveled-looking Joffe at the Hamptons house. Because, of course, the girls have proved themselves competent enough to be trusted with bringing all the dresses. (No, not really.) But then maybe the problem is that Amanda doesn't know what a Global Positioning System actually is, much less know how to use one. "The UPS wasn’t clearly, you know it just wasn't..." stammers a flustered Amanda upon the girls' late arrival, and with not enough hangers or racks.
Also, Amanda, don't try your British accent again. She somehow turned JJ's posh lilt into a bad Oliver Twist impression.
Assume that since you say you're a stylist, Jessica Joffe will accept your credentials. Brittany's downfall in the episode began by first poaching Jessica White from Kier. "You’re a blogger, I’m a stylist, you need me right now," she says. First, Brit styles the model in a giant pink caftan with a pair of sunglasses perched on the top of her head. OH NO. "I like the glasses but not on the top of your head to be perfectly honest," sniffs DVF girl Joffe. "It's too much. It's like you're a quadruple divorcee or something like that and you drink chardonnay at 3 o'clock in the afternoon."
Put Jessica White in any sort of awkward "Bitch Stole My Look" position. Then, Brittany and her punching-bag-turned-sidekick Amanda commit the ultimate faux pas by dressing White in the same print — not dress, mind you, but print — as another VIP client inside the house and she is not pleased. (May I take this moment to point out that Stefani Greenfield handled a similar situation much more graciously when she was dressed like the tablecloth at a DVF lunch?) White ends up later telling Joffe that Brittany bullied Kier during the fitting session. This is what happens when you force White into a twinsies moment.
Ever, EVER give Jessica Joffe sass. When Joffe calls out Brittany for claiming to be a stylist, but not ever acting like one, Brit just can't help herself and throws major 'tude back in JJ's face. "What is that? WHAT IS THAT? Why are you giving me sass?” asks Joffe, who also kind of terrified me through the screen, too. She later gives the full report to DVF and Greenfield, which will not bode well for the contestant.
Neglect your math skills. "We’re the constant, you are the variable," Greenfield pointedly says to Brittany, who's already on shaky ground at this point.
Think it's a good idea to give a party 1) in the Hamptons and 2) in a house that's not yours. Amanda, who has shown a serial lack of good judgement thus far, proposes a post-Hamptons Classic celebration. "Diane von Furstenberg knows how to party," she muses. "So I don't think it’s really that bad if we throw a party, as long as it’s the right kind of party.”
Forget to vet your guest list. Fratty bros + pool = trouble. And one might think that inviting a member of the media and DVF dress-wearing VIP clientele would be a safe bet, but no... as they all learned as Guest of a Guest editor Yumi Matsuo zestfully jumps into the chlorinated, possibly STD-infested pool while wearing a Swarovski crystal-adorned DVF sample that apparently would retail for over $1,000. And based on Matsuo's Instagram from a couple days ago, she's so #sorrynotsorry. Did she even offer to dry-clean the dress?
Leave a mess for DVF to find. After von Furstenberg gets the dirty scoop from Greenfield and Joffe and flies over to the Hamptons on her private helicopter, she walks into a FILTHY house littered with beer bottles and empty pizza cartons. Of course, Brittany found the time to put on a stylish hat while maybe she should have been moving that chlorinated dress off the front door. I mean, at least don't leave the evidence in plain sight to taunt an already annoyed von Furstenberg.
Answer a call from von Furstenberg's assistant Ellen. Block it, block it! Despite her sweet and soft-spoken demeanor, Ellen is like the grim reaper when it comes to getting the boot from the "House of DVF." While reflecting over the horrific weekend with the rest of the girls (at another Hamps bash, natch), Brittany receives a call from Ellen, calling for a 10:30 a.m. meeting with DVF the next day. What a buzzkill! And that probably means she's going home, considering that she's already had like 10 warning meetings with DVF and her crew. I think Lenore said it for all of us with, "If Brittany is sent home, we will all celebrate." And what, Amanda is only 21?!
So on to next week's episode, in which hopefully SOMEONE will get the boot. What do you think, is that gift bag calling Brittany's name?