Welcome to Shop It Out!, a series dedicated to answering life's big, messy questions in the only way we know how: with shopping.
Q: I'm single for Thanksgiving — yet again — and I already know that my Aunt Bitsy is going to harass me for it and tell me to find a mate. How can I head this torture off at the pass? What do I do?
Loving life, but not right now
What is Thanksgiving if not an opportunity to numb the knowledge that we're all marching inexorably toward the grave, gathering our genetic brethren to stuff our faces with pie and share misinformation about ISIS? We enter and leave this world alone, so what's some time in the middle spent without a mate, which, by the way, is a requirement disproportionately placed on us lady monkeys? But we feel you. All young people have gone through that painful bloodletting ritual known as The Questioning.
There is no known cure to disappointing your family this Thanksgiving. They want you to be a brainier version of Jennifer Lawrence without the nude pics — heck, we want that too! — but that ship has sailed. In fact, it never came into port. What we are left with is the ever-growing realization that we cannot change our tragic flaws and our inboxes will never reach zero. All we have is the soothing power of tryptophan and the understanding that life is finite. But how do we tell Aunt Bitsy that the only thing we can do as we await our mortal ends is try to improve on our past mistakes, be kind to people we encounter in the future and revel in the magic of simply being awake when we stayed up until 4 a.m. watching "The Blacklist?"
Instead of defending yourself this holiday season, let your clothes do the talking. Toss on some designer wool overalls layered over a T-shirt printed with a beautiful bosom. Clip on your black tasseled earrings. Pin a cigarette brooch that says, "I am in a serious relationship with several people I'll never meet, and in a casual relationship with someone who doesn’t understand me at all." Pick up a fur-trimmed coat covered in a field of tiny Yodas to communicate that you're just floating out here in the galaxy trying to fight evil and find a good wrinkle cream. Then elevate the entire look with a neck tattoo.
What you're saying is: This is who I am, fam. I got this.
Stay tuned for next week's Shop It Out!: How do I channel James Spader's commanding presence in the workplace and in life?