Guess's New Moisturizing Denim is Here to Send Your Lazy Jeans to the Dumpster

The future looks like vitamin-enriched Kardashian bodycon skirts.
Author:
Publish date:
Photo: Guess

Photo: Guess

What can your jeans do for you? Make your butt look good? Protect your thighs from the icy winds blowing down the street and your professional reputation from an indecent exposure violation? Toss those Levi's 501s you procured from that vintage store in Brooklyn for $80 — "a steal," you said at the time; you were drunk after brunch — in the dumpster where they belong, because Guess has just rendered them obsolete with the newest release from its #SmartGuess initiative. Meet JeanCare, a collection made from denim infused with "nutrients," gingko extract and vitamin E that promises to hydrate your legs and make them look slimmer.

It's pretty incredible that in just one lifetime we've gotten to experience stiff jeans that you had to gradually break in, the advent of stretch denim, the quantum leap into jeggings and, now, jeans that do the heavy lifting of rubbing lotion on your legs for you. And 2015 was the hottest year on record. Ever! You think I'm joking here, but I'm not. I can't be the only one who approaches moisturizing with the same dread and defeatist logic that I applied to making my bed when I was younger: My skin/sheets are just going to get flaky/messed up again, so why even bother? Beam me up, alien denim overlords, I'm ready for this bright new future.

In all fairness, the fabric treatment that gives these jeans a moisturizing effect isn't all that new. (It involves applying millions of tiny, ingredient-filled bubbles to the fabric that burst over time, releasing their contents.) Also, there are already tights on the market that do the same thing.

BUT STILL. Doesn't moisturizing your legs just suck so much?

Photo: Guess

Photo: Guess