Here Are 5 Authoritative, Must-Read Donald Trump Beauty Stories

Beauty writing (and one video tutorial) at its finest.
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Beauty writing (and one video tutorial) at its finest.
Trump at the Miss Universe pageant in 2012. (Photo: David Becker/Getty Images) 

Trump at the Miss Universe pageant in 2012. (Photo: David Becker/Getty Images) 

Here at Fashionista, we don't often get very political beyond reporting who the fashion industry is supporting in the election and what designers Michelle Obama wears. However, we were recently called out by a reader via Twitter for not "tying in to trendy topics" because we compared Rick Owens' runway hair balls to what a cat coughs up instead of to Donald Trump's hair. 

While I think Fashionista exists and thrives because we are constantly tying everything to trendy topics — in fashion and beauty, anyway — it was just the encouragement I needed to write this, so thanks, reader! Truly, nothing is trendier than Donald Trump right now, as my mounting stress level can attest. 

I'm not qualified to formally discuss political issues, but the great thing is that neither is Trump, so I feel completely comfortable keeping this all about appearance, a topic that I can discuss in-depth. And you know that if it ends up being Hillary Clinton vs. Trump in the general election, Trump and countless others will have no qualms about attacking/analyzing Clinton's appearance, weight, age and gender. He's already done it, in fact. In November of last year, he had quite a little chuckle over one of Clinton's hairstyles, calling it "massive." Yes, Trump made fun of Clinton's hair. Can we just let that sink in for a second? 

Anyway, over the past few months, several fellow writers (and one female comedian) have been doing important work — namely, writing about Trump's singular grooming choices. I'm jealous that I didn't write these articles, but thought it was crucial to get the word out and share these gems. So, here's all of the Trump beauty and grooming writing you need to read to help you as you decide which candidate to vote for in this crucial election.  Thank you for your time. 

The Hair

"Dad, seriously. What is going on with your hair?" -- Ivanka Trump (not really, but I imagine she's thinking it), here with her father in 2014. (Photo: Kris Connor/Getty Images) 

"Dad, seriously. What is going on with your hair?" -- Ivanka Trump (not really, but I imagine she's thinking it), here with her father in 2014. (Photo: Kris Connor/Getty Images) 

Surely, Trump's hair is the biggest part of his mythology. Its color defies description; its shape defies physics. There have obviously been thousands of words written on its many mysteries. However, there are two recent examples that I would like to highlight. First of all, in September of last year, writer Bruce Handy produced a comprehensive and wonderfully snarky slideshow for Vanity Fair that illustrates how the presidential hopeful went from having totally normal hair to the current state of affairs. Most notable fact: it used to be brown

More recently, Quartz tapped hairdresser Caroline Mitgang for her professional assessment on what exactly was happening on his head. Sample line: "What's happening in the front of Trump's hairline to make it look like he's wearing a Kangol hat made out of spun sugar is nothing more than an aggressive cowlick with a forward-aiming growth pattern." (Colorist Louis Licari also suggested to the NY Post in January that it might be a hair transplant, because in the '80s he saw the businessman coming and going from the office of the first doctor to ever perform the procedure in the U.S.) We will likely never know the truth, but the biggest scoop any beauty or grooming writer can get this election cycle is obviously a tell-all with Trump's stylist and colorist. 

The Tan

This picture of Trump and a staffer is not Photoshopped, I promise. (Photo: Joe Readle/Getty Images) 

This picture of Trump and a staffer is not Photoshopped, I promise. (Photo: Joe Readle/Getty Images) 

According to a January U.S. News story, one of the biggest Google searches during a recent Republican debate was: "Why is Donald Trump orange?" This truly is a question for the ages, but the simple answer — and this is speculation — is that he's orange because he abuses self-tanner. (Or eats a lot of carrots and sweet potatoes. I turned my baby orange once because of this. But it's probably self tanner.) Trump's signature orange hue inspired newly minted New York Magazine columnist and former Allure editor-in-chief Linda Wells to pen an advice column geared towards The Donald. The beautiful thing about this is that it's a perfect piece of service writing for the average person who wants some no-nonsense self tanner tips, with lots of condescending hilarity aimed at Trump thrown in. My favorite line? "But don't get it on your eyebrows or they'll turn peach. Actually, they already are peach. Stop applying it to your eyebrows."

The Hands

Small hands? You be the judge. (Photo: Joe Readle/Getty Images)

Small hands? You be the judge. (Photo: Joe Readle/Getty Images)

Yes, presidential candidates are now actively talking about the size of their genitals. This is the state of affairs we're in. While there's not anatomical proof that hand size predicts the size of a man's... presidential ambitions, Trump himself keeps bringing it up, so naturally people have been trying to analyze the situation. Last week, in one of my favorite stories that I've read in a long time, Vice chatted with a hand model casting agent. The question at hand: "Are his hands the big, beautiful appendages he claims they are, or are they pathetic little stubs?" It's a delightfully entertaining article in which the casting agent assesses Trump's appendage (his hands, people) and also those of the other candidates. Her final conclusion about whether Trump would make a good hand model? "Not unless he was the 'before' in a 'before-and-after' campaign." 

"Trumping" Tutorial 

This faux tutorial has been making the rounds since late Friday (h/t HuffPo), and it is definitely worth a watch if you haven't seen it yet. (Be warned that it's a tiny bit NSFW due to some foul language.) Actress Tess Paras seamlessly spoofs the YouTube makeup tutorial trope to bring us all the latest makeup trend, dubbed "Trumping." First step? Choose a concealer 10 shades lighter than your actual skin tone. She recommends the shade, "Veiled White Supremacy." Next? "Pick a bronzer that's really orange. You don't want it to be tan or brown, because then somebody's gonna ask for your birth certificate." The skewering continues for three minutes — a three minutes that is definitely worth your time.