Welcome to Shop It Out!, a series dedicated to answering life's big, messy questions in the only way we know how: with shopping.
Q: Do you ever think about the futility of human existence? We're nothing but tiny specs on a giant rock floating endlessly into space, hurtling ever-closer to our destiny of being consumed by the constantly expanding sun. We may never know if there is intelligent life out there, because as a species we have grown too selfish and shortsighted to see beyond the thin layer of atmospheric gas that separates us from the great nothingness of the universe. Most of us will die without ever knowing true happiness.
What I'm trying to say is: How is it possible for election night to be this stressful?!
Why Is This Still Happening?
Oh, my dear WITSH,
We're with you. When one of the two major American parties puts forward a toasty orange, sentient-Facebook-meme-from-your-racist-Uncle-Steve as a serious candidate for the highest office in the whole country, you can't help but wonder how we got here. There are plenty of highly qualified journalists who have done the work of tracking that stuff in a tangible way, but no explanation of this dumpster fire of an election cycle feels satisfactory.
You're stressed. So are we! Can you actually believe that nearly half of American voters truly want a misogynistic Flamin' Hot Cheeto masquerading as a lying, failing businessman to be President of the United States?! Take solace in the fact that you can vote against him (you are voting, right? RIGHT?! OH MY GOD, WITSH, PLEASE TELL US YOU'RE VOTING!!) and that by this time on Wednesday, if all goes well, we'll be welcoming the first female President to the White House.
In the meantime, let's do what we always do: Use fashion as a distraction from the problems plaguing our every day lives. While a pretty Gucci dress won't save America from a loosely glued-together pile of down feathers rescued from the Ikea factory floor, it might save you from your own deep-rooted anxiety about the future of this country. And yes, in case you're wondering, the time has come to stop relentlessly refreshing FiveThirtyEight, because at this point, you're just making things worse for yourself.
Just to reiterate: One of the candidates in this election is a highly qualified, experienced career politician and the other is a beady-eyed, xenophobic goose wearing a gallon-sized jug of SunnyD. Those are the choices presented to America on Election Day 2016. So you might as well get dressed to the nines before you vote — or, in dire circumstances, before you flee the country.
1. Gucci Ruffled Pleated Silk Crepe De Chine Mini Dress, $2,800, available at Net-a-Porter: Not only is this dress a serene blue (which experts at Shape say "helps calm your mind and reduces tension"), but it also has a pussy-bow necktie. Melania Trump likes the latter, and so do we. Just no grabbing, please.
2. Rupert Sanderson Bolero Embellished Leather Point-Toe Flats, $363.56, available at The Outnet: For when you inevitably become too anxious to make direct eye contact with Anderson Cooper's Eighth-Wonder-of-the-World eyes on CNN and resign yourself to staring at the ground instead, give yourself something pretty to look at. You'll cherish those memories once the apocalypse sets in.
3. Away The Large, $295, available at Away: Did your candidate of choice lose? Has the continental U.S. already erupted into cathartic, end-of-days flames? Flee the Country Like a Fashion Girl with Away's largest-ever suitcase, which stores 86 liters of your most prized earthly possessions.
4. Lonely Planet Canada Travel Guide, $27.99, available at Lonely Planet: We hear Vancouver is beautiful this time of year. And have you had the wine in the Okanagan Valley?
5. Master Lock 5900D SafeSpace Portable Safe, $23.49, available at Amazon: Calm your nerves by quite literally locking away all sources of anxiety — namely, your phone, which provides a direct route to a) Twitter, and b) the aforementioned FiveThirtyEight, which HAS BEEN WRONG ABOUT THEIR POLLING NUMBERS IN THE PAST, OKAY?
6. Le Specs Air Heart Cat-Eye Acetate Sunglasses, $70, available at Net-a-Porter: No one can tell that you've been crying if you just cover your eyeballs with the largest sunglasses imaginable. That's just common sense.
7. Barneys New York Double-Faced Throw, $995, available at Barneys New York: This fuzzy blanket allows for optimal swaddling, which babies enjoy for warmth and security. You = giant baby.
8. Eshvi Iava Ring, $173.96, available at Farfetch: When you need to punch through a glass ceiling.
Stay tuned for next week's Shop It Out!: What to Wear If You Secretly Don't Care About the "Gilmore Girls" Revival!